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Surprise twist to new Bond film: he's a straight white male

No Time To Die the new James Bond film released this week has already attracted controversy. Many critics have been shocked at the film's depiction of Bond as a white man who likes women.

'I was devastated,' sobbed Guardian film critic, Julian Razzle 'As a proud gay man every scene of him kissing a woman was like a stab in the backside. After that scene of Craig in his swimming trunks, I felt sure he played for our team. I thought this would finally be the film when he came out and hooked up with 'Q'. It stands for 'queer', I'm sure of it.'

Suzy Nombolo, professional black person, expressed her concern that while there were non-white actors in key roles, James Bond himself was still a honky. 'He's still an imperialist white supremacist patriarch asserting his power over indigenous bodies. With a cool car. I thought this would be the film where Craig hands over the reins to a hip young rapper named J Bo - I know plenty who look good in thousand dollar suits.'

'This should have been the film where James transitioned to Jane,' complained Glenda Glen spokesmanwoman for the Trans Rights Alliance. 'Then he'd be a real double agent.'

Men who actually paid to see the movie were more complimentary: 'Bonking hot chicks, shooting villains and driving that cool Aston Martin.' enthused Max Hunt, a bricklayer from Slough, 'James Bond is still the man.'

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