• johnblack


What could be more inconsequential than what you have with your cuppa?

I’m a digestives enthusiast, you’re a mallow-puff fiend. Unless only one of us is doing the shopping, couldn’t we just get along? Apparently not if you are of a sufficiently Woke political leaning. A Christchurch café has announced to the world that they have retitled the humble Afghan biscuit because ‘the world is changing continuously’. This non-sequitur hides a sop to the political trends of the moment; marketing stunt meets virtue signal. Why? While admitting that ‘the origins of the Afghan biscuit’s name are unclear’ Stuff couldn’t help casting aspersions on these origins by reporting ‘some historians believe (the name) has racial overtones’.

On even the possibility of racism a biscuit must be renamed.

A shoulder-shrugging ‘so what’ is the only sane response. And yet as an example of the politicization of everything, it’s instructive. Not content with telling us what cars we can drive, what history we can celebrate and what gender really means, the Woke elite are moving to somewhere their women seldom go: the kitchen.

And what will be the next cancelled cookie? Here are some possibilities…

The Anzac biscuit

This much-loved Kiwi staple and a favourite of nanas across the nation manages to cram in militarism, sexism and islamophobia along with the rolled oats and golden syrup. Named after the Australian and New Zealand military force sent to give the Turks one in the Dardanelles, and chosen and made by wives and mothers because they were likely to last the long ship journey (they contain no eggs), they are ‘problematic’ as our friends on the Left like to say. Women taking care of men! (Oh, the horror) fighting men! (double the horror). And who were the Turks they were fighting? The last remnants of the Ottoman Empire, an Islamic caliphate founded in 1299. So Muslims then.

Best not to take them to a shared morning tea at a mosque.

They’ll probably soon be renamed to ‘peace cookies’ or ‘Allah’s golden wonders’ or something similar.

The Brownie

Well, obviously.

The Chinese fortune cookie

These reinforce negative racial stereotypes because non-Chinese people when opening them in restaurants invariably narrow their eyes and read out the fortunes in mock ‘Confucius say’ accents.

And as we all know words are violence and jokes are genocide. I think that’s how it goes.

Ginger Nuts

This is a common playground taunt aimed at red-headed boys. My school mate Justi,n who was afflicted with locks of a bright red hue (earning him the clever nickname ‘ginger’) couldn’t get through a lunch time without some kid holding up two of these biscuits and yelling ‘I’ve got ginger’s nuts!’ Being humiliated by this throughout his school days had a devastating effect; last I heard he was working as a parking warden.

Brandy snaps

To the Woke elite, there is good alcohol and bad alcohol. Amongst the good are French wines, craft beer and any of those fruity cocktails beloved of women and gay men. Amongst the bad are anything drunk by straight white males: commercial brand beer and spirits. Brandy is particularly verboten due to its colonialist associations; it conjures up images of cigar-smoking Victorian gents swigging cognac while gloating over how many darkies they shot in the Sudan.

Lady fingers

These offend on two counts: objectifying the female body and suggesting that there is a difference between the digits of the genders. They may also cause distress (sorry, violence) to transgender folk by reminding them of the limits of physical transitioning; ex-fellas will always be stuck with their man-size fingers. An ineradicable sign of maleness which those of us who have spent time in certain Bangkok bars are very grateful for.

Madeleine biscuits

Actually small sponge cakes made by Frenchies. Giving the small, light, delicate creation a feminine name is obviously rife with gender assumptions outmoded today. In an equal opportunity fashion we need to give them a new male name. How about ‘Murray’.

Famously, it was Marcel Proust’s taste of a madeleine biscuit that triggered the reminiscences that became his masterpiece Remembrance of Things Past. Replacing ‘the taste of a madeleine’ with ‘the taste of a Murray’ in modern translations will actually make a lot of sense given Proust’s proclivities.

Animal biscuits

Given to children early in life to brainwash them into the cult of the carnivore. Because our Woke betters have decided the future is vegan they will no doubt replace them with ‘vegetable biscuits’. Although I don’t think kids will get quite the same kick out of biscuits shaped like broccoli.

Gingerbread men

An obvious creation of the patriarchy. Soon to be replaced by the gingerbread non-binary, inter-sex, trans-sexual, gender non-conforming, pansexual person.

Which is really going to screw up the nursery rhyme.

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