• John Black

Freedom elimination strategy on track

Prime Minister Ardern has reassured New Zealanders that her government was on track to eliminate all their personal freedoms by the end of its second term. ‘We have already made massive progress in this area. We’ve locked you in your homes, made you wear masks and prevented you from talking to your neighbours. By the end of next year we’ll be deciding what car you can drive and when hate speech legislation becomes law, you can even say goodbye to your naughty jokes.’

Replying to reporter’s suggestions that pockets of freedom still existed out in provincial New Zealand and in some corners of the internet, the Prime Minister insisted: ‘We just need to stay the course. During level 4 Covid restrictions, I urge all New Zealanders to crush freedom where ever they see it. If a friend is having a party, dob him in. If your uncle Phil comes round for a visit, grass him up. Here I’ll give you the number. It’s 555-IMANARK.’

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